Sunday, July 31, 2011

Do you have any children???

That is the MOST asked question at my new job. While I appreciate people wanting to get to know me....I never know what to say! I am sure that I always have the deer caught in the headlights look as I try and figure out how to answer them. Denying his brief existence seems wrong....but I do not want people to pity me. Or have the awkward moments that follow when you say you have a child who did not survive. How do I answer this question and acknowledge that I am a mother but not have the weirdness that follows???

I have said it before and I will say it again the biggest fear I have as a mother to an angel is that he will be forgotten. And not saying that I have a child is like forgetting him. I have tried to just go with the standard "no I do not have any children" but it made me sick to say it. I pretty much had to force it out of my mouth.

Oh and filling out paperwork for the new job and a specialist that I have to see was also hard. "How many pregnancies have you had?" "How old is/are your children?"

I have moments when missing him is bearable and then out of the blue the weight of his absence will smack me right in my heart. And all I can think about is his face and what he would look like now. And would he be like me? Would he love to chase Emma Sue around?

I do find it easier to talk about him now though. Without crying or getting too emotional which has helped when I have answered the question with "I have a son waiting for me in Heaven." It does feel good to talk openly about him and use his name. I just hate how people look at me. I do not want them to feel sorry for me. If they take anything away from his story I want it to be that life is fragile. And that even though it can be exhausting to be a parent that they should end every night with thoughts that they are lucky to have a child to tuck in at night and read stories to. I am not saying that if Landon were here that it would be all laughing and never hard times but after losing him I know that if I am ever blessed with another child I will end every night with a prayer of thankfullness. For all of my Heaven or on Earth.

So I think that I will tell his story in reply to that quesiton!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Today was yet again a hard day. Probably because it is Easter and I knew that all my family would be gathered at my house when I got home from work.....except for Landon. I cried as I worked in the baby department this morning...looking at the Carter's that I would have bought for him. And I felt my heart ache as I walked through the door at home knowing the one face I wanted to see wouldn't be there. So here I am looking at his pictures and holding his little outfit...missing him.
So I decide to go through my books on grieving and see if there are comforting words in there. But you know what I find? How to deal with the holidays as a couple, there is not one thing about grieving by yourself! And really I have not met one person who had to grieve by themselves...without the significant other. I did not get to grieve with Landon's dad. I left him and the home we had made almost one month to the day I had Landon. So I have never known grieving as a couple. I do not know what it is like to have someone share the same hurt over losing such a little life. What is it like to have someone who gets it with you during the path of grieving?
It makes me feel very alone to know that there is no one in this world that misses Landon like I do. There is no one who thinks of him or mourns him like me. I do not know if his dad grieves for him at all but I sure do know that he did not for that month after Landon. For all I know he has not been back to the grave site. So instead of finding comfort in these books I am left discouraged.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


As I approach the second anniversary of Landon's angelversary I feel the familiar ache in my heart again. And it seems that everyone has new baby and new baby announcements are almost made daily on facebook. I feel that twinge of jealousy set in when I read about an ultrasound. Or what really irritates me is those statues on facebook that are like "if you love being a mom and think its the greatest thing in the world and you love your kids put this as your status" because I don't feel like a mother. Do I think being a mom is great? Yeah I sure do....but I am always curious to what it really feels like. And when people complain about their kids I wish I knew what it was like to hear my son say mom 50 million times.....but I don't get to. I am sure that it does get taxing being a mom and I am sure it is not an easy job....I would not know. Then I start thinking oh why does that person get to be a parent? I could have done a better job than them. Oh yeah I have totally thought this! I cannot even watch Teen Moms!
I have come a long way in my grieving process for sure. Days like today though are tough. It has nothing to do with the date...nothing set off my grieving I just miss that sweet face that I only got to look at briefly. I have not really been talking about my grief...I have made it more private after the last year but the last few weeks I have really felt his absence. And I know its probably normal to have these days but I get annoyed with myself. I have a lot of wonderful things to remember him by, I got to hold him and feel his cheek on my mine, I got to hold his hand and look at his little feet, I got a lot of alone time with him, and I could go on and on......but some days are just too hard to look on the positive. Some days thinking happy thoughts are not enough. Sometimes you just need a little extra prayers (thats a hint :))

I don't want anyone who reads this to feel bad about posting things on fb about being a mom because you should! It is nothing personal against anyone....just how I am feeling today.