11 months

Yesterday marked the eleventh month since Landon's birth. I cannot believe it has been almost a year. Lately it has been tough for me....because I keep thinking about what I was doing last year at this time. On June 1st last year is when we found out that we were having a boy. I was having cramping and had to call into work and go get checked out. That was the best ultrasound. He was out of control!!! Moving all over the place. She could not get any of the measurements that she needed...then he settled down and she got a few that she needed and then he would not move! That little stinker fell asleep and would not move for anything. I had to get up and walk around, then she tried pushing on my belly, then I tried laying on each side...nothing! That kid was out! It was the best moment though, when the tech said "you have a very active baby" (I heard that every single time I had an ultrasound) and his dad said "is it a boy or a girl baby moving around in there?" And within a few seconds Landon shifted and she pointed and said "definitely a boy baby!" And his dad's face lit up! I must admit I was a little disappointed because I thought the baby was a girl. And I felt like as the baby's mother I should have the intuition to know if it was a boy or girl!

Last year at this time I was adding and deleting items from my gift registry. And I had no idea that in a month I would be on the brink of death and have to sacrifice my son to save myself. Sometimes I think back to my hospital stay and wonder how in the world I got through that? It blows my mind that I could have died! I do not think I realized how sick I was until I heard from my family and friends and my doctors about how I looked or about how bad my labs were. There are days that it feels like it was a lifetime ago but then other days it feels like a couple of months ago.

It has been extremely hard for me to work in the baby department lately. Especially since every other customer over there is pregnant. I get emotional sometimes just being over there and seeing all of the clothes that I wanted to get for Landon. I set up a display crib complete with bedding the other day and I cried because I did not know how to put the bumper part on, because I never go to do that. I am planning to have a graveside ceremony for his one year angelversary and I hoping after that day I can really start to heal.