And then......I remember

I was sitting by the pool today with my family. I was listening to their conversations and chatter. Watching their horseplay and smiling at their laughter but to me someone was missing. Just a year ago on this night I lay in a hospital bed....awaiting my fate and the fate of my child. And now I sit out in the sun among my family....without Landon. I remember last summer when I was pregnant and I would go to my parent's pool I was so excited to think about Landon joining us the next summer. I see my dad with the neighbor's baby and think I could not wait for the day to watch my dad hold my son in his arms, and to see Landon smile at his Grandpa. Or to watch my mom rock him to sleep or get him to quiet down (she has a gift with babies). Then on that morning when they said they had to induce me all of those dreams came crashing down. I would never see my son take a breath let a lone take him to the pool. These are the times that I physically ache to hold him....to hear him cry, to watch him grow, to feel his weight in my arms. I love spending time with my family because they are such an amazing group of people but then I remember.......Landon is missing.