A little boys purpose

My little Landon was with me for a very short time here on Earth but he left such an impact on me. He changed my life in so many ways. From the moment I saw his sweet tiny face I knew that my life would never be the same. And it hasn't! There are is the obvious thing that Landon gave me.....my life. He "gave up" his life so that I may have mine. I am still here because of the "sacrifice" that my only child gave me. And I have to remember that life is so precious and that at any point it can be taken away from us. When I get down and depressed I sometimes envision Landon saying "Mommy its time to dry your eyes and search for what God is calling you for!" I know that probably sounds crazy but hey it helps!
Landon also gave me a glimpse of God's grace. I know that I have mentioned before that when I saw Landon its the first time I saw God's grace in a tangible form. As I think back on that day I do remember being filled with not only with a mother's love but I was angry! How could God give me such a beautiful child and then take him away? It is only now, a year later, that I realize it was not a punishment. God gave me Landon so that I could be a better person. I found God's love through the "death" of my son. My faith is what has helped me through losing my child. My friend Shannon (who has been amazing through this past year) told me that everytime I have a bad or sad thought try and think of something happy and uplifting. And.....I pretty much looked at her like "Yeah right! Like that is soooooooo easy to do!" But I started doing it and it really does help. So lately I have been picturing Landon up in Heaven. I imagine he is a little talker! I think that if he were to have a "job" in Heaven I would like to think he is a helper of some kind. Like he is the baby who helps other babies adjust to life in Heaven. Maybe he gives tours of all the cool hangouts in Heaven. Just simple thoughts like these can bring a smile to my face.
I hope that Landon has brought things to other people as well. I hope that parents realize how fragile life is and to hug their kids a little bit closer. And hopefully other people can look at his face and see God's grace as well!
I miss my little man and sometimes the pain of losing him can try and overwhelm me....but I have to remember that this is God's plan. And that I will see him again!

11 months

Yesterday marked the eleventh month since Landon's birth. I cannot believe it has been almost a year. Lately it has been tough for me....because I keep thinking about what I was doing last year at this time. On June 1st last year is when we found out that we were having a boy. I was having cramping and had to call into work and go get checked out. That was the best ultrasound. He was out of control!!! Moving all over the place. She could not get any of the measurements that she needed...then he settled down and she got a few that she needed and then he would not move! That little stinker fell asleep and would not move for anything. I had to get up and walk around, then she tried pushing on my belly, then I tried laying on each side...nothing! That kid was out! It was the best moment though, when the tech said "you have a very active baby" (I heard that every single time I had an ultrasound) and his dad said "is it a boy or a girl baby moving around in there?" And within a few seconds Landon shifted and she pointed and said "definitely a boy baby!" And his dad's face lit up! I must admit I was a little disappointed because I thought the baby was a girl. And I felt like as the baby's mother I should have the intuition to know if it was a boy or girl!

Last year at this time I was adding and deleting items from my gift registry. And I had no idea that in a month I would be on the brink of death and have to sacrifice my son to save myself. Sometimes I think back to my hospital stay and wonder how in the world I got through that? It blows my mind that I could have died! I do not think I realized how sick I was until I heard from my family and friends and my doctors about how I looked or about how bad my labs were. There are days that it feels like it was a lifetime ago but then other days it feels like a couple of months ago.

It has been extremely hard for me to work in the baby department lately. Especially since every other customer over there is pregnant. I get emotional sometimes just being over there and seeing all of the clothes that I wanted to get for Landon. I set up a display crib complete with bedding the other day and I cried because I did not know how to put the bumper part on, because I never go to do that. I am planning to have a graveside ceremony for his one year angelversary and I hoping after that day I can really start to heal.

Moving in the right direction!

I have been struggling with letting go of some of the things that I had for Landon already. But slowly a little bit a time I have let them go. It took me a while for me to be ready to let go of that stuff....but I had to realize that is exactly what is was...just stuff! Landon is in no way shape or form connected to these things. I gave my friend Morgan Landon's first bottle for her new baby. Then not too long ago I gave away Landon's travel system that my mom had gotten for him....that was really hard for me to part with. But I gave it to someone that I knew would appreciate it and that really needed it. All I wanted in return was for them to pay it forward...to give it to someone that really is need when they are done with it. And just yesterday I gave away my maternity clothes. Which was also really hard for me to do. But I realized that giving them to someone who really needs maternity clothes was the right thing to do. I am not planning on having another baby until I meet the RIGHT guy this time and that could take quite a while! So instead of sitting in a space saver bag they could be in use. I feel like these have been really good steps for me and I am proud of myself for letting go of the material reminders of Landon. He is not connected to those items and I still have the items that he did use and those are much more special to me. So I am giving myself a pat on the back!

I took a friend to visit Landon today.....and I was struck by the beauty of the cemetery. Which totally sounds weird and a bit morbid. But Landon's spot is right by the walking path and there is a creek nearby that you can hear flowing....and the grass is so green....everything looks new and fresh. As I breathed in the the fresh air I knew that this is my year to start over....to have new things come my way. I just need to be open and not afraid to try and experience news things. I mean what is the worst that can happen? I have already suffered one of the greatest tradgedies, burying a child, and you know what? I fought my way out of despair and found my way back to the land of the living. Sure I will never be the same...but maybe that is a good thing. I have grown and matured from losing my son. I appreciate and value my loved ones more. I am so lucky and so blessed to have so many people that love me and love Landon. His angelversary is coming up in a couple of months and I want to make it my goal to celebrate his life...and to celebrate and thank him for the gift he has been to me. That little boy has taught me more about life than some of the living have! He truly is...and was my beautiful gift!

Landon's little peice of Earth

I finally got Landon's headstone laid....and let me tell you it was quite the process! I always have my friend Shannon call the cemetery and pretend to be me....I just cannot bring myself to call there. I can visit but it really is just too emotionally upsetting for me to call. So that is where Shannon comes in....she makes the calls that I cannot bring myself to do. She is amazing! She called the funeral home when I started having nightmares that Landon was crying for me and that he was buried naked. I also had been wondering if they had asked my fiance if we wanted to see Landon before they closed the casket. When she called they told that they had asked him and that he had declined....he just said no and never asked me. They also informed her that he was wearing a beautiful yellow outfit (which I had picked out but was not sure that it was put on him) and they even put an extra blanket it with him to make him more comfy. I wish the cemetery people cared that much!

So anyways Shannon calls and says that she wanted to put up the headstone for Landon Christopher Kehr and the lady calls her back and says "We do not have a baby buried here by that name. Are you sure you have the right cemetery?" Now remember Shannon is me....Landon's mother....ummmmm HELLO! Of course I know where my baby is buried! So Shannon/me explains that I had changed his last name from his dad's to mine. The lady said that she could not put up the headstone because that was not Landon's name. Yeah thats right....that is a quote! She was completely unmoved by Landon's story or my story of how I decided to change his name. Good thing my friend Shannon was on it she pretty much told the woman how this was going to go down! Also they kept changing the prices! When I got the headstone in December we tried to get the foundation poured then....it was like $45 to have that done but they said they had to wait until Spring. So my mom calls back in the Spring and they said they do not lay foundation until after March 1st. Then Shannon calls after March 1st and the price has jumped to $72! Then they called her back and said that they changed the demensions on the headstones and now Landon's was considered a medium and it would be over a $100 for the foundation!

Losing a child is one of the most devestating things that someone can go through! I mean having to pick out a plot instead of adding things to a gift registry is heart wrenching. Laying his headstone I thought would bring me a little bit of joy but no the cemetery people had to be jerks about it! I mean really? You are going to tell me that is not his name! I am his mother...I will put whatever I want on the headstone (that is pretty much what Shannon said!). I am going to write a letter to someone about this. Have a little compassion cemetery workers!

Forgiveness.......its not easy!

I have not written of this yet but....maybe it will help me move past it. I felt very alone during my time in the hospital when I was so sick. My fiance was there...but he wasn't THERE. He would leave for periods of time but that wasn't it. I felt like emotionally he had checked out. And it made me feel even more guilty than I was already feeling. I felt guilty for a number of reasons. I felt guilty that I was not strong enough for Landon to grow inside me, guilty because my fiance's son was up for the summer and instead of being with him he was with me....and the guilt list goes on and on. Obviously I am aware that I had no control over any of it but.....I still felt that emotion. After we got the news that I might have to be induced I remember saying to him that this could either make or break us....so let's choose to have it make us. And he agreed. But something did not feel right. And if I had listened to my instincts I would have realized that something was not right a long time ago.

So then I gave birth to Landon and I remember looking to my left and seeing Landon's dad holding him....but he did not have the expression that I thought he would. And I just kind of put it out of my mind....because I was really sick and on a lot of meds...maybe I was imagining that look. But the day I was going to be released I called my mom and dad to see if they could watch my fiance's son so he could come up and we could say goodbye to Landon together and of course they agreed. So I called to tell him that he could drop his son off and my parents would watch him. And he said that he had already said his goodbyes to Landon and that he did not wish to see him again. I was dumbfounded. I could not imagine not wanting to say goodbye to your own son. So I asked the nurse to bring Landon in and leave him with me for forty five minutes and I did not want to be disturbed. Then I said after forty five minutes or so come back and take him from me because if you do not take him from me I will not let him go. I sat in my room with my son and said my goodbyes. I stared at his face and felt the weight of his body. I stroked his face and held his hand and told him how much I missed him.

When I went home I could barely function. My body was still healing and I was an emotional wreck. I would sit in front of the TV and not turn it on. I would stare into space for hours. Getting out of bed was exhausting and I was overwhelmed with grief. I felt alone....desperately and utterly alone. I would go into my bedroom and cry by myself...and when my fiance would walk in I would just tell him that I needed a minute. I never let him be a part of my grieving...and that was definitely a sign that something was wrong.

One night I could not sleep so I went out to our computer and was going to mess around on facebook or something ( I was not taking a lot of calls so facebook was a great tool for people to express their condolences and that way I did not have to talk to them) and I saw his phone sitting right by the computer. It was as though Jesus himself told me to go through his phone. I knew that I was about to find something that was going to hurt me. It took me a few minutes to figure out how to work the phone (I do not ever go through my significant others private property) and when I looked at the text messages I started dry heaving. There were dirty text messages to and from someone. And not only that but in a couple of texts he was criticizing the way I was grieving for my son. I flipped out and yelled at him and I left for a while. I came back and we talked about it....and he said he felt all messed up from grieving. Now I know what you are thinking....why did she stay with him? They tell you not to make any life altering decisions for at least 6 months after the death of a loved one. So I decided to stay....it was when I found the second set of sext messages that I decided to leave. I found them and I called him at work and said get home I am leaving and I did.

I still to this day cannot believe I found the strength to leave. I could have easily stayed and pretended that everything was fine but I knew that was not the right path for me. I had to leave. And quite frankly God made that choice possible. I know whole heartedly that if I had still been pregnant and found that stuff I would have NEVER left. It was one of the hardest decisions ever...I even called him a few times screaming and harassing him.....because I was falling apart. I just buried my son and now I lost my fiance?

God does have a plan! And it all makes sense to me now. It does not make me miss Landon any less but I am SO glad that he is protected from all of that hurt and anger. I do not hate my ex however I do not understand how he thought that his "grieving" could justify cheating. I found things on my computer and my gut feeling tells me that sexting is not the only thing he was doing that was unfaithful. But the texts were enough for me to walk away. I pray for him every night. He is lost...and I wish he would be found. I still however am dealing with anger towards him and it has been hard to let go. I need to forgive him (and her) just as God forgives us every time we ask for it. Every time! No questions asked. Just ask and your slate will be wiped clean! Why is it so hard for us then?

I get it!

I have been posting a lot and it seems to be helping me deal so I just had to post about this. I have a lot of friends on facebook that are pregnant which is great. Of course there is the jealousy once they get past the point that I did...but now that a few of them are getting to the end of it all I read about is how uncomfortable they are, or how they cannot wait "to get her out". I feel enraged every time I read that! I want to just comment on it and say not every body makes it that far and not everybody gets to bring a baby home. But then I have to remind myself that they have the right to say whatever they want. Didn't I complain about being pregnant at times....wasn't I uncomfortable even at 22 1/2 weeks? I need to remember that it is not their fault that I did not make it to term.....Landon's story is just that....Landon's story. Its no one's fault....it was his plan. I think as Mother's Day approaches all the old feelings have started to resurface and I am feeling the ache a little bit more. Just have to remember to take it a day at a time and if that becomes too overwhelming then take it a moment at a time!