Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A little boys purpose

My little Landon was with me for a very short time here on Earth but he left such an impact on me. He changed my life in so many ways. From the moment I saw his sweet tiny face I knew that my life would never be the same. And it hasn't! There are is the obvious thing that Landon gave life. He "gave up" his life so that I may have mine. I am still here because of the "sacrifice" that my only child gave me. And I have to remember that life is so precious and that at any point it can be taken away from us. When I get down and depressed I sometimes envision Landon saying "Mommy its time to dry your eyes and search for what God is calling you for!" I know that probably sounds crazy but hey it helps!
Landon also gave me a glimpse of God's grace. I know that I have mentioned before that when I saw Landon its the first time I saw God's grace in a tangible form. As I think back on that day I do remember being filled with not only with a mother's love but I was angry! How could God give me such a beautiful child and then take him away? It is only now, a year later, that I realize it was not a punishment. God gave me Landon so that I could be a better person. I found God's love through the "death" of my son. My faith is what has helped me through losing my child. My friend Shannon (who has been amazing through this past year) told me that everytime I have a bad or sad thought try and think of something happy and uplifting. And.....I pretty much looked at her like "Yeah right! Like that is soooooooo easy to do!" But I started doing it and it really does help. So lately I have been picturing Landon up in Heaven. I imagine he is a little talker! I think that if he were to have a "job" in Heaven I would like to think he is a helper of some kind. Like he is the baby who helps other babies adjust to life in Heaven. Maybe he gives tours of all the cool hangouts in Heaven. Just simple thoughts like these can bring a smile to my face.
I hope that Landon has brought things to other people as well. I hope that parents realize how fragile life is and to hug their kids a little bit closer. And hopefully other people can look at his face and see God's grace as well!
I miss my little man and sometimes the pain of losing him can try and overwhelm me....but I have to remember that this is God's plan. And that I will see him again!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

11 months

Yesterday marked the eleventh month since Landon's birth. I cannot believe it has been almost a year. Lately it has been tough for me....because I keep thinking about what I was doing last year at this time. On June 1st last year is when we found out that we were having a boy. I was having cramping and had to call into work and go get checked out. That was the best ultrasound. He was out of control!!! Moving all over the place. She could not get any of the measurements that she needed...then he settled down and she got a few that she needed and then he would not move! That little stinker fell asleep and would not move for anything. I had to get up and walk around, then she tried pushing on my belly, then I tried laying on each side...nothing! That kid was out! It was the best moment though, when the tech said "you have a very active baby" (I heard that every single time I had an ultrasound) and his dad said "is it a boy or a girl baby moving around in there?" And within a few seconds Landon shifted and she pointed and said "definitely a boy baby!" And his dad's face lit up! I must admit I was a little disappointed because I thought the baby was a girl. And I felt like as the baby's mother I should have the intuition to know if it was a boy or girl!

Last year at this time I was adding and deleting items from my gift registry. And I had no idea that in a month I would be on the brink of death and have to sacrifice my son to save myself. Sometimes I think back to my hospital stay and wonder how in the world I got through that? It blows my mind that I could have died! I do not think I realized how sick I was until I heard from my family and friends and my doctors about how I looked or about how bad my labs were. There are days that it feels like it was a lifetime ago but then other days it feels like a couple of months ago.

It has been extremely hard for me to work in the baby department lately. Especially since every other customer over there is pregnant. I get emotional sometimes just being over there and seeing all of the clothes that I wanted to get for Landon. I set up a display crib complete with bedding the other day and I cried because I did not know how to put the bumper part on, because I never go to do that. I am planning to have a graveside ceremony for his one year angelversary and I hoping after that day I can really start to heal.