Sunday, April 24, 2011

Today was yet again a hard day. Probably because it is Easter and I knew that all my family would be gathered at my house when I got home from work.....except for Landon. I cried as I worked in the baby department this morning...looking at the Carter's that I would have bought for him. And I felt my heart ache as I walked through the door at home knowing the one face I wanted to see wouldn't be there. So here I am looking at his pictures and holding his little outfit...missing him.
So I decide to go through my books on grieving and see if there are comforting words in there. But you know what I find? How to deal with the holidays as a couple, there is not one thing about grieving by yourself! And really I have not met one person who had to grieve by themselves...without the significant other. I did not get to grieve with Landon's dad. I left him and the home we had made almost one month to the day I had Landon. So I have never known grieving as a couple. I do not know what it is like to have someone share the same hurt over losing such a little life. What is it like to have someone who gets it with you during the path of grieving?
It makes me feel very alone to know that there is no one in this world that misses Landon like I do. There is no one who thinks of him or mourns him like me. I do not know if his dad grieves for him at all but I sure do know that he did not for that month after Landon. For all I know he has not been back to the grave site. So instead of finding comfort in these books I am left discouraged.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


As I approach the second anniversary of Landon's angelversary I feel the familiar ache in my heart again. And it seems that everyone has new baby and new baby announcements are almost made daily on facebook. I feel that twinge of jealousy set in when I read about an ultrasound. Or what really irritates me is those statues on facebook that are like "if you love being a mom and think its the greatest thing in the world and you love your kids put this as your status" because I don't feel like a mother. Do I think being a mom is great? Yeah I sure do....but I am always curious to what it really feels like. And when people complain about their kids I wish I knew what it was like to hear my son say mom 50 million times.....but I don't get to. I am sure that it does get taxing being a mom and I am sure it is not an easy job....I would not know. Then I start thinking oh why does that person get to be a parent? I could have done a better job than them. Oh yeah I have totally thought this! I cannot even watch Teen Moms!
I have come a long way in my grieving process for sure. Days like today though are tough. It has nothing to do with the date...nothing set off my grieving I just miss that sweet face that I only got to look at briefly. I have not really been talking about my grief...I have made it more private after the last year but the last few weeks I have really felt his absence. And I know its probably normal to have these days but I get annoyed with myself. I have a lot of wonderful things to remember him by, I got to hold him and feel his cheek on my mine, I got to hold his hand and look at his little feet, I got a lot of alone time with him, and I could go on and on......but some days are just too hard to look on the positive. Some days thinking happy thoughts are not enough. Sometimes you just need a little extra prayers (thats a hint :))

I don't want anyone who reads this to feel bad about posting things on fb about being a mom because you should! It is nothing personal against anyone....just how I am feeling today.