As I approach the second anniversary of Landon's angelversary I feel the familiar ache in my heart again. And it seems that everyone has new baby and new baby announcements are almost made daily on facebook. I feel that twinge of jealousy set in when I read about an ultrasound. Or what really irritates me is those statues on facebook that are like "if you love being a mom and think its the greatest thing in the world and you love your kids put this as your status" because I don't feel like a mother. Do I think being a mom is great? Yeah I sure do....but I am always curious to what it really feels like. And when people complain about their kids I wish I knew what it was like to hear my son say mom 50 million times.....but I don't get to. I am sure that it does get taxing being a mom and I am sure it is not an easy job....I would not know. Then I start thinking oh why does that person get to be a parent? I could have done a better job than them. Oh yeah I have totally thought this! I cannot even watch Teen Moms!
I have come a long way in my grieving process for sure. Days like today though are tough. It has nothing to do with the date...nothing set off my grieving I just miss that sweet face that I only got to look at briefly. I have not really been talking about my grief...I have made it more private after the last year but the last few weeks I have really felt his absence. And I know its probably normal to have these days but I get annoyed with myself. I have a lot of wonderful things to remember him by, I got to hold him and feel his cheek on my mine, I got to hold his hand and look at his little feet, I got a lot of alone time with him, and I could go on and on......but some days are just too hard to look on the positive. Some days thinking happy thoughts are not enough. Sometimes you just need a little extra prayers (thats a hint :))
I don't want anyone who reads this to feel bad about posting things on fb about being a mom because you should! It is nothing personal against anyone....just how I am feeling today.
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