Today was yet again a hard day. Probably because it is Easter and I knew that all my family would be gathered at my house when I got home from work.....except for Landon. I cried as I worked in the baby department this morning...looking at the Carter's that I would have bought for him. And I felt my heart ache as I walked through the door at home knowing the one face I wanted to see wouldn't be there. So here I am looking at his pictures and holding his little outfit...missing him.
So I decide to go through my books on grieving and see if there are comforting words in there. But you know what I find? How to deal with the holidays as a couple, there is not one thing about grieving by yourself! And really I have not met one person who had to grieve by themselves...without the significant other. I did not get to grieve with Landon's dad. I left him and the home we had made almost one month to the day I had Landon. So I have never known grieving as a couple. I do not know what it is like to have someone share the same hurt over losing such a little life. What is it like to have someone who gets it with you during the path of grieving?
It makes me feel very alone to know that there is no one in this world that misses Landon like I do. There is no one who thinks of him or mourns him like me. I do not know if his dad grieves for him at all but I sure do know that he did not for that month after Landon. For all I know he has not been back to the grave site. So instead of finding comfort in these books I am left discouraged.