Sunday, July 31, 2011

Do you have any children???

That is the MOST asked question at my new job. While I appreciate people wanting to get to know me....I never know what to say! I am sure that I always have the deer caught in the headlights look as I try and figure out how to answer them. Denying his brief existence seems wrong....but I do not want people to pity me. Or have the awkward moments that follow when you say you have a child who did not survive. How do I answer this question and acknowledge that I am a mother but not have the weirdness that follows???

I have said it before and I will say it again the biggest fear I have as a mother to an angel is that he will be forgotten. And not saying that I have a child is like forgetting him. I have tried to just go with the standard "no I do not have any children" but it made me sick to say it. I pretty much had to force it out of my mouth.

Oh and filling out paperwork for the new job and a specialist that I have to see was also hard. "How many pregnancies have you had?" "How old is/are your children?"

I have moments when missing him is bearable and then out of the blue the weight of his absence will smack me right in my heart. And all I can think about is his face and what he would look like now. And would he be like me? Would he love to chase Emma Sue around?

I do find it easier to talk about him now though. Without crying or getting too emotional which has helped when I have answered the question with "I have a son waiting for me in Heaven." It does feel good to talk openly about him and use his name. I just hate how people look at me. I do not want them to feel sorry for me. If they take anything away from his story I want it to be that life is fragile. And that even though it can be exhausting to be a parent that they should end every night with thoughts that they are lucky to have a child to tuck in at night and read stories to. I am not saying that if Landon were here that it would be all laughing and never hard times but after losing him I know that if I am ever blessed with another child I will end every night with a prayer of thankfullness. For all of my Heaven or on Earth.

So I think that I will tell his story in reply to that quesiton!

1 comment:

  1. Ur r simply amazing and so strong. Even tho I haven't seen u in it seems like forever I still think and pray for u. BC I know I'm not nearly as strong as u r. I'm so glad to hear that u share ur son with everyone and how u say "I have a son waiting for me in heaven" is a perfect answer and the greatest answer :)