A gift from Landon

Shannon and I went to visit Landon on Thursday. Its really funny how she knows me so well. We were coming back from getting ice cream and she turned and looked and me and said "So did you wanna stop?" I didn't even say to anything to her...she just knows! While we were there we walked around babyland a little bit..mainly because they had mowed the grass and they just leave all the clippings all over the headstones. Oh and they threw away some of Landon's things....if I could move him I would. I do not like that cemetery at all! But can't change that now....anyways so we were walking around and I kept seeing butterflies everywhere. And from that day on I see butterflies ALL THE TIME! I would say at least 5 times a day I see yellow butterflies. I think it is a sign from Landon! He was actually buried in a yellow outfit maybe that is why it is yellow butterflies I see all the time! It brings a smile to my face when I see them....I am glad my boy thinks of me!

The visit

I had a very vivid dream about Landon and when I woke up I was crying and it left me with a sadness that I could not shake the whole day. In my dream I got a call from the undertaker (you know the person who buries people~creepy I know) and he said "You need to get down here because he just died!". So I rush to the cemetery and I walk up to Landon's plot and there is my little boy in his casket. He had the outfit that he wore in the hospital on complete with the hat. And he had a few blankets covering him and surrounding him. He looked so cozy. So I kneel down and I started sobbing. And I say "Why didn't you call me? I wanted to be here when he passed! I did not want him to have to go with out me....I did not want him to be scared!". Then as I say that I looked at Landon's face and he had a little smirk on his face and I distinctly remember the feeling that came over me. It was love...pure and amazing love. So I grabbed his little hand and I say "Landon, Mommy loves you so much!" and as soon as I spoke those words Landon's feet started to move, then his legs, and then his little hand grabbed my finger. And then he turned his little head and opened his eyes....and looked at me. He smiled and made little cooing noises. And that is when I woke up.....and I looked around and realized that it was a dream.

So all day I was really haunted by that dream. It made me start thinking of all the things that Landon would never get to do. And that I did not even know what color eyes he has, or what it feels like to have him grab onto my finger. And then someone pointed out that maybe it was a way for God to give me and little taste of what I had wished I could have experienced. It was not meant to make me sad but it was meant as a gift. I also think that it was to remind me that NOTHING can weaken a mother's love....not even death. We are forever connected and it does not matter that I never saw him open his eyes I got to see and hold him. And I am learning to be satisfied with the things I got to experience. I have talked to many grieving mothers who never got to see their child. Or some that were treated poorly at the hospitals....and some that cannot seem to climb out of the darkness of grieving. I am quite lucky to have had the chance to hold him and stroke his face, and to see him get baptized. Something in me changed the day I first held my Landon.

Survived the first year!

I had been dreading July 7th....because on that day last year I had to deliver my son...too early for any chance of survival. I tried to come up with all kinds of different ideas on what to do that day. Some of them were elaborate and completely over the top. I had this idea in my head that the bigger the "show" the more it would show that I love Landon. I think that the hardest part for any mother who has had to say goodbye to their child is that we feel like if we are happy again or "move on" we are forgetting them. And when people stop asking how you are doing or do not mention the child's name anymore that hurts us just as much as the day we buried them. We do not want people to forget that they were a person....no matter how small or how long they were with us they still matter. So I really struggled with what I should do. In the end I asked my Pastor to say a few words at his grave site and I had friends and family there. It was perfect....it was really hot! And actually that is how it was last year too. Twenty or more people stood beside me, behind me, and my mom held me while we listened to the beautiful words that Christopher had to say about Landon. He spoke of how Landon has taught him things and about how he got to hold an angel. I shed a few tears because it really felt so familiar....and then I remember looking at Christopher's face and he smiled at me and then I glanced around at every face that was there and I got an overwhelming sense of peace. I felt loved....and the tears stopped and a smile was put in their place. Then it was time to let the balloons go that I had bought for him. And I even commented on how they would probably get stuck in the electrical wires or in the trees....because that is just my luck. But when I let those balloons go they were swept right up and we watched them until they were almost out of sight.
Since that day I have had a few rough moments but I feel healed. I gave myself a year to really go through the grieving process and now it is time to really start living again. I know they say that you should not put a time frame on your grieving but for me it was important. I made it through the whole year of firsts and now I need to "move on". I will never forget him...he will always be my son and my firstborn but now when I talk about him I do not feel sad because he is not with me I feel happy that I was chosen to bring that sweet face into the world. I do not cry when I talk about him....he is not as constant in my thoughts...don't get me wrong I still think about him but it does not consume me. And instead of thinking negative things about him (as in he is not here, why did this happen to me etc) I think of the positives. And if my mind starts to wander to the negative thoughts I replace it with two positive things (got that hint from Shannon!). It sounds so simple but it really has worked for me.
I had been feeling like I was in a funk this last week so after work one day I took Shannon's three girls...Riley is 7, Lucy is 5 almost 6, and Emry is 2 1/2 (she always adds the half) so that I would be forced to have fun and play outside. We had a great day! We went swimming, then I made them a dinner picnic, then we went to the park, and finally we went and got ice cream. And as we got into the car after ice cream Lucy says "So Aunt Karen who do you think that you are going to marry?". And I reply with the standard I don't know. And Riley says "Weren't you ready to have a baby?" So I retold them about Landon and what had happened and they had some questions about why he was born so early if he was not ready...and they were in awe when I said that Landon gave his life for mine. That I would not be here if he had not done that. And they came up with the best theory I have EVER heard. They said that God took Landon to "fix" (they did not really get the concept that it was me that was sick) him and that when I get married then He will send him back down to me. I had never thought about it like that. Only from the lips of children. I could not have loved those girls more in that moment. I am so fortunate to have them in my life!
I am proud of how well I did on his angelversary and how well I am doing now. I never thought that I would ever climb out of that darkness. It is so hard to believe that a year has gone by since I held him in my arms. He may not have ever taken a breath but he lives in my heart.....forever.

And then......I remember

I was sitting by the pool today with my family. I was listening to their conversations and chatter. Watching their horseplay and smiling at their laughter but to me someone was missing. Just a year ago on this night I lay in a hospital bed....awaiting my fate and the fate of my child. And now I sit out in the sun among my family....without Landon. I remember last summer when I was pregnant and I would go to my parent's pool I was so excited to think about Landon joining us the next summer. I see my dad with the neighbor's baby and think I could not wait for the day to watch my dad hold my son in his arms, and to see Landon smile at his Grandpa. Or to watch my mom rock him to sleep or get him to quiet down (she has a gift with babies). Then on that morning when they said they had to induce me all of those dreams came crashing down. I would never see my son take a breath let a lone take him to the pool. These are the times that I physically ache to hold him....to hear him cry, to watch him grow, to feel his weight in my arms. I love spending time with my family because they are such an amazing group of people but then I remember.......Landon is missing.

A little boys purpose

My little Landon was with me for a very short time here on Earth but he left such an impact on me. He changed my life in so many ways. From the moment I saw his sweet tiny face I knew that my life would never be the same. And it hasn't! There are is the obvious thing that Landon gave me.....my life. He "gave up" his life so that I may have mine. I am still here because of the "sacrifice" that my only child gave me. And I have to remember that life is so precious and that at any point it can be taken away from us. When I get down and depressed I sometimes envision Landon saying "Mommy its time to dry your eyes and search for what God is calling you for!" I know that probably sounds crazy but hey it helps!
Landon also gave me a glimpse of God's grace. I know that I have mentioned before that when I saw Landon its the first time I saw God's grace in a tangible form. As I think back on that day I do remember being filled with not only with a mother's love but I was angry! How could God give me such a beautiful child and then take him away? It is only now, a year later, that I realize it was not a punishment. God gave me Landon so that I could be a better person. I found God's love through the "death" of my son. My faith is what has helped me through losing my child. My friend Shannon (who has been amazing through this past year) told me that everytime I have a bad or sad thought try and think of something happy and uplifting. And.....I pretty much looked at her like "Yeah right! Like that is soooooooo easy to do!" But I started doing it and it really does help. So lately I have been picturing Landon up in Heaven. I imagine he is a little talker! I think that if he were to have a "job" in Heaven I would like to think he is a helper of some kind. Like he is the baby who helps other babies adjust to life in Heaven. Maybe he gives tours of all the cool hangouts in Heaven. Just simple thoughts like these can bring a smile to my face.
I hope that Landon has brought things to other people as well. I hope that parents realize how fragile life is and to hug their kids a little bit closer. And hopefully other people can look at his face and see God's grace as well!
I miss my little man and sometimes the pain of losing him can try and overwhelm me....but I have to remember that this is God's plan. And that I will see him again!

11 months

Yesterday marked the eleventh month since Landon's birth. I cannot believe it has been almost a year. Lately it has been tough for me....because I keep thinking about what I was doing last year at this time. On June 1st last year is when we found out that we were having a boy. I was having cramping and had to call into work and go get checked out. That was the best ultrasound. He was out of control!!! Moving all over the place. She could not get any of the measurements that she needed...then he settled down and she got a few that she needed and then he would not move! That little stinker fell asleep and would not move for anything. I had to get up and walk around, then she tried pushing on my belly, then I tried laying on each side...nothing! That kid was out! It was the best moment though, when the tech said "you have a very active baby" (I heard that every single time I had an ultrasound) and his dad said "is it a boy or a girl baby moving around in there?" And within a few seconds Landon shifted and she pointed and said "definitely a boy baby!" And his dad's face lit up! I must admit I was a little disappointed because I thought the baby was a girl. And I felt like as the baby's mother I should have the intuition to know if it was a boy or girl!

Last year at this time I was adding and deleting items from my gift registry. And I had no idea that in a month I would be on the brink of death and have to sacrifice my son to save myself. Sometimes I think back to my hospital stay and wonder how in the world I got through that? It blows my mind that I could have died! I do not think I realized how sick I was until I heard from my family and friends and my doctors about how I looked or about how bad my labs were. There are days that it feels like it was a lifetime ago but then other days it feels like a couple of months ago.

It has been extremely hard for me to work in the baby department lately. Especially since every other customer over there is pregnant. I get emotional sometimes just being over there and seeing all of the clothes that I wanted to get for Landon. I set up a display crib complete with bedding the other day and I cried because I did not know how to put the bumper part on, because I never go to do that. I am planning to have a graveside ceremony for his one year angelversary and I hoping after that day I can really start to heal.

Moving in the right direction!

I have been struggling with letting go of some of the things that I had for Landon already. But slowly a little bit a time I have let them go. It took me a while for me to be ready to let go of that stuff....but I had to realize that is exactly what is was...just stuff! Landon is in no way shape or form connected to these things. I gave my friend Morgan Landon's first bottle for her new baby. Then not too long ago I gave away Landon's travel system that my mom had gotten for him....that was really hard for me to part with. But I gave it to someone that I knew would appreciate it and that really needed it. All I wanted in return was for them to pay it forward...to give it to someone that really is need when they are done with it. And just yesterday I gave away my maternity clothes. Which was also really hard for me to do. But I realized that giving them to someone who really needs maternity clothes was the right thing to do. I am not planning on having another baby until I meet the RIGHT guy this time and that could take quite a while! So instead of sitting in a space saver bag they could be in use. I feel like these have been really good steps for me and I am proud of myself for letting go of the material reminders of Landon. He is not connected to those items and I still have the items that he did use and those are much more special to me. So I am giving myself a pat on the back!