Moving in the right direction!

I have been struggling with letting go of some of the things that I had for Landon already. But slowly a little bit a time I have let them go. It took me a while for me to be ready to let go of that stuff....but I had to realize that is exactly what is was...just stuff! Landon is in no way shape or form connected to these things. I gave my friend Morgan Landon's first bottle for her new baby. Then not too long ago I gave away Landon's travel system that my mom had gotten for him....that was really hard for me to part with. But I gave it to someone that I knew would appreciate it and that really needed it. All I wanted in return was for them to pay it forward...to give it to someone that really is need when they are done with it. And just yesterday I gave away my maternity clothes. Which was also really hard for me to do. But I realized that giving them to someone who really needs maternity clothes was the right thing to do. I am not planning on having another baby until I meet the RIGHT guy this time and that could take quite a while! So instead of sitting in a space saver bag they could be in use. I feel like these have been really good steps for me and I am proud of myself for letting go of the material reminders of Landon. He is not connected to those items and I still have the items that he did use and those are much more special to me. So I am giving myself a pat on the back!

I took a friend to visit Landon today.....and I was struck by the beauty of the cemetery. Which totally sounds weird and a bit morbid. But Landon's spot is right by the walking path and there is a creek nearby that you can hear flowing....and the grass is so green....everything looks new and fresh. As I breathed in the the fresh air I knew that this is my year to start over....to have new things come my way. I just need to be open and not afraid to try and experience news things. I mean what is the worst that can happen? I have already suffered one of the greatest tradgedies, burying a child, and you know what? I fought my way out of despair and found my way back to the land of the living. Sure I will never be the same...but maybe that is a good thing. I have grown and matured from losing my son. I appreciate and value my loved ones more. I am so lucky and so blessed to have so many people that love me and love Landon. His angelversary is coming up in a couple of months and I want to make it my goal to celebrate his life...and to celebrate and thank him for the gift he has been to me. That little boy has taught me more about life than some of the living have! He truly is...and was my beautiful gift!

Landon's little peice of Earth

I finally got Landon's headstone laid....and let me tell you it was quite the process! I always have my friend Shannon call the cemetery and pretend to be me....I just cannot bring myself to call there. I can visit but it really is just too emotionally upsetting for me to call. So that is where Shannon comes in....she makes the calls that I cannot bring myself to do. She is amazing! She called the funeral home when I started having nightmares that Landon was crying for me and that he was buried naked. I also had been wondering if they had asked my fiance if we wanted to see Landon before they closed the casket. When she called they told that they had asked him and that he had declined....he just said no and never asked me. They also informed her that he was wearing a beautiful yellow outfit (which I had picked out but was not sure that it was put on him) and they even put an extra blanket it with him to make him more comfy. I wish the cemetery people cared that much!

So anyways Shannon calls and says that she wanted to put up the headstone for Landon Christopher Kehr and the lady calls her back and says "We do not have a baby buried here by that name. Are you sure you have the right cemetery?" Now remember Shannon is me....Landon's mother....ummmmm HELLO! Of course I know where my baby is buried! So Shannon/me explains that I had changed his last name from his dad's to mine. The lady said that she could not put up the headstone because that was not Landon's name. Yeah thats right....that is a quote! She was completely unmoved by Landon's story or my story of how I decided to change his name. Good thing my friend Shannon was on it she pretty much told the woman how this was going to go down! Also they kept changing the prices! When I got the headstone in December we tried to get the foundation poured then....it was like $45 to have that done but they said they had to wait until Spring. So my mom calls back in the Spring and they said they do not lay foundation until after March 1st. Then Shannon calls after March 1st and the price has jumped to $72! Then they called her back and said that they changed the demensions on the headstones and now Landon's was considered a medium and it would be over a $100 for the foundation!

Losing a child is one of the most devestating things that someone can go through! I mean having to pick out a plot instead of adding things to a gift registry is heart wrenching. Laying his headstone I thought would bring me a little bit of joy but no the cemetery people had to be jerks about it! I mean really? You are going to tell me that is not his name! I am his mother...I will put whatever I want on the headstone (that is pretty much what Shannon said!). I am going to write a letter to someone about this. Have a little compassion cemetery workers!