First Easter

As I woke up today, just like any other day, the first thing that hits me is that he is not here. Some days it can take a few minutes to sink in as I look around the room but today I instantly remembered. Sometimes the silence of the room is enough to make me feel panicky. Sometimes I even go into freak mode wondering where Landon is and why I don't hear him crying....then I look to my bulletin board where his hands and feet molds are hanging up and then it all comes back to me. People always tell me that it will get better with time....and its true it has but I am not sure that the wound will ever fully heal.

What gets me through my days here on Earth without him is knowing that this life is just temporary. And today it seems fitting to realize that Jesus died on the cross so that we would never fear death. And that we would have an amazing place to go after our bodies and souls are done here on Earth. A place that would be beautiful and peaceful, where there would be no more pain or suffering. I know that my Landon is up in Heaven with the Father and he is safe. Safe from all of the evils of the world and he will never experience the disappointments of life. And I know that if he were to have stayed here on Earth with me he would have suffered some of the greatest disappointments that a little boy can have.....a uninvolved father. A father who would have continued to chose himself over his little boy every time. A father that would have made a lifetime of promises but break about everyone of those. And I am not saying that I am perfect but I love my boy unconditionally like a mother should.

Sometimes its enough to know that Landon is protected by the Father...but it cannot always cure all of the ache. I long to know what its like to have your own flesh and blood look up at you for the first time. And to know what its like to have a happy labor and delivery and to hear my baby cry for the first time or at all. What is it like to know what color your baby's eyes are? It hurts me to think that Landon will never have a favorite color or a favorite blankey. I think about all the things he will miss out on but I have to hold on to the fact that its only Earthly things he will miss out on. And he doesn't know what those things are...only I think and dwell on them. He is so happy up there! If he is anything like me he is driving everybody nuts by wanting to always be talking! Love and miss you Landon!