Questions I answered about Landon and my grieving process

1. What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost?
I want people to know that he is a person no matter how small he was. I want them to know that he is a special little boy who had a big personality. I would like people to know that he never was still in the womb. He was a mover and it was almost like he was exploring at first and then he started playing games. He would always move when he heard his dad's voice and when he heard Britney Spears Circus chorus (yeah I am aware that is quality parenting) and he would always move the same time each evening. Always at 6pm and 8pm.....did not matter what I was doing he would always move for like forty minutes. He was not really into ultrasounds which was unfortunate for him because I had quite a few of them in the five and a half months he was with me. He would move uncontrollably when the tech did not want him to and then he would settle down and go sleep and not move when they wanted him to. I will never forget when we found out he was a boy.....I had been thinking he was gonna be a girl because I had a dream he was a girl....but his dad said boy. So the tech said something about how the baby was moving a lot....and he even flipped over on his stomach...so Landon's dad said so is a boy baby or a girl baby moving around in there. And then we held our breath....and she said it is definitely a boy baby!!!! I will never forget that moment...no matter what happend between us that was a special moment.

These next few things are some of the most important things I want people to know about Landon. He saved my life....I know that he did not give up his life "willingly" but he I am sure is not sorry that he did it. And I told that boy of mine that what he did was the closest thing anyone can ever to do to being Christ like. Landon pretty much gave his life for mine so now its my turn to find out why I am still here. I would probably have not been here or my story would have become more tragic if they had sent me home that night in the hospital......but that is not part of my story. I am here for a reason and my little guy has been helping me find that reason. Also I want people to know that he is perfect......and that also is Christ like. And how many people can say that they have a perfect child? And how many people can say that instead of having to wish to see any angel they got to hold one?

2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your children and why?
I picked out the name Landon Christopher......this is a hard question to answer. But I have started this note so I will keep going. I suggested this name and his dad liked it (he was also pushing for Logan but when we saw his sweet face he was Landon to us) and his middle name is Christopher because that is his dads name. However I have opted to change Landon's last name....from his dads to mine. Since me and his dad are no longer together I have decided that while I cannot change who Landon's dad is I can change the family name he has. I think of Landon as mine...which might seem selfish but I miss him everyday....I decorate his grave.....I went there almost four times a week this summer.......I sob for him......my tears fall on his grave......I honor him with special things while I do not know how his dad is handling the loss I can only do what I think is right. And Landon having the last name Kehr is just right.



3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your children seem to best help you cope with their loss?
I put up his picture at his grave and a picture of my family. I also decorated his grave with Christmas decorations. My friend Stacey gave me a beautiful necklace with his name on it (thanks Stacey!!) that I wear everyday...and then I bought another necklace with his birthstone and a charm that says faith that I also wear everyday. I have put up two ornaments for him and I hung a little stocking right on top of mine for him. I have special things in my room that the hospital gave me or that friends have given me. Anything that I have done or will do helps me cope. And lately I have been trying to reach out to those who have lost a child....it makes me feel like I am honoring Landon when I listen to other mother's stories or when I get to tell them about my angel.



4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst?
Its hard because there is really no right thing that people can say and even if they are trying to be helpful sometimes I have heard that same phrase ninety times and it just isn't helpful. I have had people tell me that I am a good mother.....and that is the absolute best thing someone can tell me. Also when they tell me that Landon is beautiful......two important things in that sentence....they use his name which tells me they think of him as a human being....and that they use present tense. I try to refer to him in present tense not because I do not understand that he is gone but just because he died does not mean he is any less beautiful!!! I would rather not share the most hurtful things


5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet?
My family...who welcomed me back home in my darkest hours. My mom and dad who spent time with me while I was in the hospital. My mom for crying with me after I moved home when I asked her why someone would do that to me after I just buried my son....and she looked at me with tears running down her face and said trust in God.....He has your answers. And for my mom that also told me that they consider having three grandkids and that Landon was just as much their grandkids as Gavin and Sophie. My sister Elizabeth who played a major part in the planning and executing Landon's memorial.....I just could not do it so being the wonderful planner she is she took the reigns. And she always checks up on me and tells me she is proud of me....and that means a lot. I remember her looking over at her as she held my son so tenderly and it was a moment I will not forget anytime soon. My sister Julie who helped me move out of the house I had been staying at and she never gave me crap for just standing in the middle of the room sobbing because I could not get it together. And for loving me and Landon in her own special way. My "sister" Shannon for being there for me via phone because she could not be with me in person during my labor and delivery but came the next day and held Landon like he was alive. I will never forget that moment when you fixed his blanket because you thought it was squishing his ear. My sister Tracy for giving me such beautiful gifts to remember him by. My bother Dave and his wife Jan for always encouraging me to call and Dave always has my best interest at heart. And he lets me grieve and that means a lot. My friend Sarah for always listening and willing watch me freak out and being such a constant part in my life....I could not gotten through a lot of my days without you. You let me be selfish and talk about Landon and grieve openly in front of you. Pastor Christopher....I am not sure I can even express everything he has done for me.....he lets me grieve and cry and share my feelings and he gives me positive feedback and always asks the right questions. He has shown me God's grace during my darkest times. And to the mommies that have also lost babies.....you know who you are and I love having your support and love. I love swapping stories and feelings with you.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now?
I am absolutely lucky to have the people in my life that I do....I can say anything or feel anything that I want to. They never say anything negative about my grieving process. I am the hardest on myself when it comes to that....hopefully breaking that cycle :) There are things that I want to say to his dad but none of them would help the situation so those will stay with me. That is a gift that I can give to him.

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing?
I am honestly doing pretty good. I have bad days and good days. A lot of tears still and I ache for Landon. I wish that I was shopping for Christmas presents instead of decorating his grave. But I can't help but feel lucky. Lucky you may ask??? Out of all the mothers in the world God chose me....ME....to be Landon's mother....even if it was just for a short time. Landon has changed my life and he has changed the lives of others. This sweet baby boy came into my life and gave me the chance to be a mother. I never thought I could have kids and even was taking precautions on not getting pregnant but my Landon was too special to keep in Heaven and so God chose me to carry him and love him.