Landon's Story

I have been blessed to have seen the face of an angel. A face that I miss every single day....my son Landon's. Landon was a miracle baby. I have so many health issues and I was actually taking birth control and yet one day I sent home from work early and for some reason felt the need to take a pregnancy test. I was shocked to say the least. I freaked out! Landon's dad was way more calm about the situation and was excited.

I had a high risk pregnancy right from the get go. I started bleeding at 7 weeks, at ten weeks I spent a night in the hospital due to my appendix being enlarged, lots of cramping, and eventually was diagnosed with HELLP Syndrome and was induced at 22 1/2 weeks.

I had been having back pain all day at work on July 3,2009 and I figured that it was normal to have back pain. I had been diagnosed with a UTI earlier in the week so I decided to call the doctor because I thought maybe I had a kidney infection. He told me to head down to the ER. So when my fiance picked me up from work that is where we headed. They did a whole bunch of tests and scans and drew some blood....and they were actually going to send me home but my doctor came into the hospital to examine me himself. He said that the back pain was back spasms but he did not like the results of my labs and my blood pressure was really high. So he wanted to keep me for at least 48 hours. He did talk to us about the possibility of me having pre-eclampsia and discussed what that would mean if I did have it.

So I stayed in the hospital for almost a week....I went in on a Friday and on Monday we were told that I needed to be induced. It was either both of us or we sacrifice him. Nothing could have prepared me for that. In a matter of minutes it went from being all about my baby to all about saving my life. After they told us they had a Neonatalogist come in and talk to us and we decided to not have any rescue measures performed. We did not want our child to suffer and the Neonatalogist cried with us while we made the decision.

My dad was the first one to get to my room, he works in the hospital that I delivered at. I will NEVER forget those moments I spent with my dad. I was crying and all of a sudden I saw my dad start to cry and mourn with me. It was touching because my dad has a hard time showing emotion.

Then the rest of my family got there and then the craziness started. There were nurses, doctors, and med students in my room trying to get an IV started. People were asking me questions telling me that I had to deliver vaginally. I begged anyone who would listen that I wanted a C-section, that I was not strong enough to deliver him vaginally. I remember closing my eyes in a desperate attempt to shut everyone out. When I opened them.....everything was still there. I was then moved down to labor and delivery. My first nurse there was someone I will never forget. There were so many people in my room and she could tell that I needed quiet for a few minutes. So she told everyone that I needed to go to the bathroom and they needed to leave. The door shut and I lost it......she cried with me and told me about her angels. As I heaved with emotion I could feel my son moving around inside me.

I gave birth to him on July 7,2009 at 12:05 pm. He weighed 12 0z and measured 10 inches long. I was so nervous to see him because I just did not know what to expect. When he came out the doctors first words were "I am so sorry he doesn't have a heartbeat". Immediately I started sobbing and I reached for him. I took him in my arms and looked down at the most beautiful face I had ever seen. I could not believe that I helped create him and he was mine. He was perfect in every way....just tiny. The family came in then and Landon was passed around the room to the hands of the people that love him. I especially remember my sister Elizabeth. She was holding him like a live baby. And through her tears I saw her look at him with love. Then my mom held him and she too held him with the love she had for him. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and yet I was able to look around the room and see those who loved me. I could feel not only the love in the room but looking back I could see what God's grace looked like. In the moment I could not see it but I see it now. And God's grace came in the form of a little boy who forever changed my life.