Thursday, July 22, 2010

The visit

I had a very vivid dream about Landon and when I woke up I was crying and it left me with a sadness that I could not shake the whole day. In my dream I got a call from the undertaker (you know the person who buries people~creepy I know) and he said "You need to get down here because he just died!". So I rush to the cemetery and I walk up to Landon's plot and there is my little boy in his casket. He had the outfit that he wore in the hospital on complete with the hat. And he had a few blankets covering him and surrounding him. He looked so cozy. So I kneel down and I started sobbing. And I say "Why didn't you call me? I wanted to be here when he passed! I did not want him to have to go with out me....I did not want him to be scared!". Then as I say that I looked at Landon's face and he had a little smirk on his face and I distinctly remember the feeling that came over me. It was love...pure and amazing love. So I grabbed his little hand and I say "Landon, Mommy loves you so much!" and as soon as I spoke those words Landon's feet started to move, then his legs, and then his little hand grabbed my finger. And then he turned his little head and opened his eyes....and looked at me. He smiled and made little cooing noises. And that is when I woke up.....and I looked around and realized that it was a dream.

So all day I was really haunted by that dream. It made me start thinking of all the things that Landon would never get to do. And that I did not even know what color eyes he has, or what it feels like to have him grab onto my finger. And then someone pointed out that maybe it was a way for God to give me and little taste of what I had wished I could have experienced. It was not meant to make me sad but it was meant as a gift. I also think that it was to remind me that NOTHING can weaken a mother's love....not even death. We are forever connected and it does not matter that I never saw him open his eyes I got to see and hold him. And I am learning to be satisfied with the things I got to experience. I have talked to many grieving mothers who never got to see their child. Or some that were treated poorly at the hospitals....and some that cannot seem to climb out of the darkness of grieving. I am quite lucky to have had the chance to hold him and stroke his face, and to see him get baptized. Something in me changed the day I first held my Landon.

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