Forgiveness.......its not easy!

I have not written of this yet but....maybe it will help me move past it. I felt very alone during my time in the hospital when I was so sick. My fiance was there...but he wasn't THERE. He would leave for periods of time but that wasn't it. I felt like emotionally he had checked out. And it made me feel even more guilty than I was already feeling. I felt guilty for a number of reasons. I felt guilty that I was not strong enough for Landon to grow inside me, guilty because my fiance's son was up for the summer and instead of being with him he was with me....and the guilt list goes on and on. Obviously I am aware that I had no control over any of it but.....I still felt that emotion. After we got the news that I might have to be induced I remember saying to him that this could either make or break us....so let's choose to have it make us. And he agreed. But something did not feel right. And if I had listened to my instincts I would have realized that something was not right a long time ago.

So then I gave birth to Landon and I remember looking to my left and seeing Landon's dad holding him....but he did not have the expression that I thought he would. And I just kind of put it out of my mind....because I was really sick and on a lot of meds...maybe I was imagining that look. But the day I was going to be released I called my mom and dad to see if they could watch my fiance's son so he could come up and we could say goodbye to Landon together and of course they agreed. So I called to tell him that he could drop his son off and my parents would watch him. And he said that he had already said his goodbyes to Landon and that he did not wish to see him again. I was dumbfounded. I could not imagine not wanting to say goodbye to your own son. So I asked the nurse to bring Landon in and leave him with me for forty five minutes and I did not want to be disturbed. Then I said after forty five minutes or so come back and take him from me because if you do not take him from me I will not let him go. I sat in my room with my son and said my goodbyes. I stared at his face and felt the weight of his body. I stroked his face and held his hand and told him how much I missed him.

When I went home I could barely function. My body was still healing and I was an emotional wreck. I would sit in front of the TV and not turn it on. I would stare into space for hours. Getting out of bed was exhausting and I was overwhelmed with grief. I felt alone....desperately and utterly alone. I would go into my bedroom and cry by myself...and when my fiance would walk in I would just tell him that I needed a minute. I never let him be a part of my grieving...and that was definitely a sign that something was wrong.

One night I could not sleep so I went out to our computer and was going to mess around on facebook or something ( I was not taking a lot of calls so facebook was a great tool for people to express their condolences and that way I did not have to talk to them) and I saw his phone sitting right by the computer. It was as though Jesus himself told me to go through his phone. I knew that I was about to find something that was going to hurt me. It took me a few minutes to figure out how to work the phone (I do not ever go through my significant others private property) and when I looked at the text messages I started dry heaving. There were dirty text messages to and from someone. And not only that but in a couple of texts he was criticizing the way I was grieving for my son. I flipped out and yelled at him and I left for a while. I came back and we talked about it....and he said he felt all messed up from grieving. Now I know what you are thinking....why did she stay with him? They tell you not to make any life altering decisions for at least 6 months after the death of a loved one. So I decided to stay....it was when I found the second set of sext messages that I decided to leave. I found them and I called him at work and said get home I am leaving and I did.

I still to this day cannot believe I found the strength to leave. I could have easily stayed and pretended that everything was fine but I knew that was not the right path for me. I had to leave. And quite frankly God made that choice possible. I know whole heartedly that if I had still been pregnant and found that stuff I would have NEVER left. It was one of the hardest decisions ever...I even called him a few times screaming and harassing him.....because I was falling apart. I just buried my son and now I lost my fiance?

God does have a plan! And it all makes sense to me now. It does not make me miss Landon any less but I am SO glad that he is protected from all of that hurt and anger. I do not hate my ex however I do not understand how he thought that his "grieving" could justify cheating. I found things on my computer and my gut feeling tells me that sexting is not the only thing he was doing that was unfaithful. But the texts were enough for me to walk away. I pray for him every night. He is lost...and I wish he would be found. I still however am dealing with anger towards him and it has been hard to let go. I need to forgive him (and her) just as God forgives us every time we ask for it. Every time! No questions asked. Just ask and your slate will be wiped clean! Why is it so hard for us then?